Regrets of yesterday
by Crazy.rabbit2
Summary: Mrs Pinkman looks back on her troubled relationship with her older son, and tried to face the difficult truths about him that are reveled after Heisenberg's death, all the while struggling to cope with a younger son who's starting to make the same mistakes as his older brother, and a husband whose more interested in appearances.


It had been five years since Mrs Pinkman had last seen her eldest son, Jesse. She still remembered it as clear as day, she and her husband had just sold her sister's house for an outrageously low amount after basically being blackmailed by that TV lawyer Saul Goodman. The new owners were about to arrive- she didn't really have any sort of idea who the buyer was, but she certainly didn't expect it to be her own son, Jesse. She'd kicked him out of this very house months earlier, she feared he'd been living on the streets, but what could she do? He'd brought it on himself. She didn't feel anything but disbelief when Jesse revealed himself as the buyer. Afterwards she felt betrayal, humiliation, and intrigue about were exactly he'd gotten the money from. No place good, she assumed. But her and her husband had already decided to cut Jesse out of their lives, the boy brought nothing but trouble, and they couldn't have him influencing Jake. Jesse being such a degenerate is the main reason why the Pinkman's were so careful with their younger son. They gave Jesse a normal upbringing, in a normal school, but it still resulted in him being bullied, him joining a bad crowd and wasting his life away. For Jake, they wanted thee best of the best- they put him into private school, they were more careful set clearer boundaries for him.

It didn't work either, despite his brains and his talent, Mrs Pinkman could see Jake taking the route Jesse had- she found his first joint hidden in his room when he was fourteen and it had been downhill from there. It didn't make sense to her- on some level she could understand why Jesse had gone with a bad crowd, he'd never been good in school he struggled to get a C, but Jake on the other hand was a prodigy why would he waste his potential like that?  
After Jesse bought the house, Mrs Pinkman didn't hear from him for over a year, he no longer attempted to call or visit, and Mrs Pinkman mostly felt relief because she was so tired of being disappointed with him, she was sick of him ruining their good name. And after all, as her husband always said _'Jesse's headed in the wrong direction, don't let him drag us along too'_. So after eighteen long Jesse-free months, Mrs Pinkman got the visit from the police, the one she'd always been secretly dreading.  
"Are you the mother of Jesse Pinkman?" An officer asked. Mrs Pinkman immediately jumped to one of two conclusions, either Jesse had got himself arrested or killed on some drug related incident. It turned out she wasn't far of. The police weren't sure of the details yet, but Jesse had been involved with none other than the drug kingpin Heisenberg. Apparently, Jesse had confessed to two DEA agents who were using him to get to Heisenberg, who'd turned out to be none other than Jesse's old chemistry teacher. That was the thing that shocked Mrs Pinkman most of all, she always thought Mr White seemed like such a nice man, a little dull perhaps, and polite to a fault but he was the complete opposite of what you'd expect a drug lord to be like. It was impossible for Mrs Pinkman to imagine the mild-mannered Mr White blowing up a nursing home and murdering people in cold blood.

After confronting Heisenberg, both Jesse and the two DEA agents had gone missing, presumed dead, their bodies probably buried somewhere in the desert, or at the bottom of some ditch somewhere. For weeks after hearing the news Mrs Pinkman just felt numb- her eldest son was working with a meth lord, her eldest son was probably dead- it seemed to ironic she and her husband had worked so hard to cut Jesse out of their life, and now he was gone, Mrs Pinkman would give everything to have him back. Part of her always knew something like this would happen, not on this scale, perhaps, but she knew that Jesse was getting in way over his head, he'd always been desperate for acceptance, desperate to prove himself, it lead him to do stupid things. She remembered how he'd pulled the fire alarm in school when he was ten, when Adam had shouted at him demanding why he'd do such a thing he simply gave the sheepish reply  
"It was a dare.. I didn't want to look like a pussy in front of everyone.".

After they got the news Jesse had probably been murdered by his drug lord chemistry teacher, things turned upside down. Everyone in the neighbourhood associated them with the Heisenberg case, Adam resented Jesse for it "Even now he's tarnishing this family, I knew that Boy'd bring trouble." He grumbled to her once while they were at the supermarket and everyone in there was not-so-subtly staring at them.

That night, Adam took down every single picture of Jesse of the wall, Mrs Pinkman didn't stop him but she felt like her husband was all to eager to put Jesse to rest. Mrs Pinkman clung to the hope that Jesse might still be alive out there somewhere, and he'd show up one day. But weeks soon turned to months and still no news. It didn't help that Walter White's face was constantly on the news, it seemed to taunt her, remind her of what had happened sometimes they mentioned Jesse as well, they didn't say much other than that he's a former-associate who confessed and went missing along with the confession tape itself. In the end, Mrs Pinkman let it go- she knew she couldn't mourn Jesse forever, he had gotten into some bad things and he'd died trying to get out. Simple as that. She still felt guilty though, she regretted not taking the time to understand her first son- she remembered how he used to come home beat-up back in elementary school, and Adam used to scold him for not being able to stand up for himself and for wasting all the money they'd spent on karate classes perhaps if she'd tried to comfort him, Jesse wouldn't of felt the need to hang out with stoners just to fit in.

Mrs Pinkman had always thought Jesse was kind of useless, but now she wished she'd appreciated the talents he did have like drawing, or how he looked after Aunt Jenny when the rest of the family couldn't stand to be near her because they didn't know how to handle her unstable nature.  
Adam on the other hand clearly didn't feel any regrets over Jesse "It's not out fault he turned out that way. We're good parents he just threw it back in our face."  
But with Jake smoking weed now too, Mrs Pinkman was starting to doubt her ability as a parent.

* * *

Six monthes later, the Jesse Pinkman case was resurrected, once again, the police were at Mrs Pinkman's door. They explained that Heisenberg had been killed along with a gang of drug-dealing neo-nazi's in some sort of crazy shoot-out. A huge meth lab was found on the compound, it had some sort of intricate chain system, the police believed the Nazi's had been using a slave to cook the Meth. As they were explaining it, Mrs Pinkman and Adam had no idea what the police were getting at until they said it out-right.

"Mr and Mrs Pinkman, we believe your son Jesse was.. Enslaved by the drug gang and forced to make the Heisenberg brand of crystal meth." Officer Douglass said, finally. Mrs Pinkman gasped, not knowing what to say.

"So, was he- in the shoot out- did they get him?" Adam had asked, his grip tightening around the handle of his coffee mug.  
The officer's shook their head "No, Jesse has not been discovered, we're remaining hopeful, but I'm afraid there is a high possibility he is dead."

"How do you know it was him! How do you know Jesse was forced to cook?" Adam asked, he tended to ask a lot of questions when agitated, he was a man who liked being in charge, so he hated the feeling of being confused. He always needed all the facts.

"We're not certain yet." The Officer said, looking apologetic. "-But samples of his... DNA where found on the chains."  
Mr and Mrs Pinkman hadn't mentioned Jesse for months, they'd been trying to forget just when they thought it was over everything came spilling back up. They still didn't have a body, Mrs Pinkman felt like they'd be trapped in this endless limbo forever if they never got verification he was dead, she didn't want him to be dead, but with the way the police where acting Jesse might as well be.

"Chains!? Just exactly what sort of situation are we talking about here? What sort of DNA?" Adam asked, the Police officer shook his head.  
"I'm sorry sir, we don't know the details at the moment, we'll keep you informed." The officer said, before leaving "thank you for your time."  
The next week they were asked to come into the police office to help with the investigation, Mrs Pinkman expected it would be to identify a body, but in reality it was something far worse.

She and Adam were lead into a windowless room which was empty besides a TV and a couple of chairs, after a while, a balding man with a serious expression walked into the room briskly, he eyed the Pinkman's for a moment before speaking.

"Pleased to meet you Mr and Mrs Pinkman, I'm Officer Spencer." He said, Adam gave a curt nod in reply. "Now, you understand we want you to identify some evidence? We want to thank you for coming here today- this really is helpful to the investigation. Really, very, very helpful we-"

"Please. I don't want to be disrespectful but can we get this over with?" Adam asked, exasperated, he just wanted the whole ordeal to be over. He wanted to find out what happened to Jesse, his son, then never have to hear about him again.

"Very well." Officer spencer nodded, an understanding expression on his face. "This video was found on the site of the shoot-out and the location of the Methampethamine lab. We would like you to identify to us whether or not this is your son, Jesse Pinkman, but we warn you this video may be... Upsetting."  
Mrs Pinkman suddenly felt a wave of nerves- what kind of video would she be seeing? She reached out to take Adam's hand instictivly for comfort, but he kept his arms clenched up in his lap.

"If it helps with the investigation, I'll watch it." He said, Mrs Pinkman nodded in agreement- best get this over with. The Officer pushed in the video tape (seriuosly who still used those in this day and age?) And the television flickered to life.  
At first Mrs Pinkman wasn't sure what she was seeing, then it focused. A Man with a black balaclava stood point-blank in front of the camera apparently adjusting it. In the background a dark figure could be seen slumped in the chair looking defeated.

"Are you filming this? You sick nazi fuck." The man in the chair hissed. Mrs Pinkman felt a jolt of dread run through her. Jesse.  
The first man walked over to Jesse "I just like to keep a record of stuff like this, you know- for the future and that." The man said in an almost sheepish tone that seemed completely out of place in this scenario- whatever this scenario was, Mrs Pinkman didn't even know. "Besides, I wanna show Uncle Jack I can do this- "  
"I already told you! I don't know a fucking thing, aright? As if those agents would tell me a fuckin' thing! So just put a bullet in my brain and get it over with!" Jesse shouted, Mrs Pinkman couldn't make out his face because of the poor quality of the tape but she could tell by the voice it was him. Before the tape could go any futher, the officer paused it suddenly.  
"Well is it him? Do you believe this is your son Jesse Pinkman?" He asked, Mrs Pinkman nodded too distressed to give a proper answer- just what had happened to their son after they kicked him out. She suddenly regretted making him homeless maybe if he hadn't gotten so desperate it wouldn't of come to this...  
Adam on the other hand frowned- his face was the picture of frustration "I don't know. Can't see his face- sounds like him but his voice is all.. Brocken. Can we see the rest of the tape?"  
The officer shook his head "We think that may be distressing."  
Adam clenched his fist "I want to see the rest of this tape." He said with finality- he may of given up on Jesse a long time ago, but he wanted to know this at least, he wanted to at least have a bit of an idea what happened to his oldest son "Maybe then I'll be able to tell if it's him."  
Officer Spencer sighed "Okay, but we can't be held accountable for what your about to witness." He turned to Mrs Pinkman. "Ma'm are you okay with seeing this?"  
No.  
But she couldn't just leave it. "Yes. I am. I want to see"  
The Officer looked at them for a moment with a mixture of sympathy and exasperation before flicking the play button. The video took of from where it left.

"I'm not gonna kill you," The Man said, picking up a hammer and nail from the darkened counter.

"Fuck of with the bullshit, Tod- your gonna shoot me dead like you did with that Fuckin' Kid on the train heist!". Jesse shouted. He sounded terrified.

"I do what I gotta do," 'Tod' said, resting the nail on Jesse's shoulder and raising the Hammer up and suddenly smashing it down, driving the nail into the flesh of Jesse's shoulder.

Mrs Pinkman just felt numb as she watched the video of the masked man torturing her son. She had a feeling she'd be hearing Jesse's inhuman cries of agony in her dreams. She averted her eyes from the screen so she didn't have to see Jesse get a nail driven into his shoulder, Adam on the other hand was watching intently, his expression unreadable.

Ten minutes more into the video, Jesse still hadn't told this Todd person the information he was looking for. Mrs Pinkman chanced a glance up at the screen every now and then-

Todd was whacking Jesse brutally over the head with a gun.

Todd had thrown him on the floor and was kicking him in the stomatch.

Todd was dunking him under water.  
It seemed like an eternity to Mrs Pinkman, she could hardly bring her eyes to the screen yet she refused to leave the room, letting Jesse's screams fill her ears.

"-Pl- please T-Tod no. No more." Jesse. whimpered Mrs Pinkman looked up to see Jesse lying on the floor, arms and legs bound. Todd stood over him with a metal stick in hand, it was glowing at the end. A red hot poker. He pressed it down onto Jesse's stomatch eliciting yet another scream of agony.

"We can stop this anytime, you know what to do." Todd said notchelently, he sounded as if he was chatting to a friend, not his torture victim.

" The- The DEA agent in is house. The confession tape's in his house." Jesse panted the tape was too dark to make out his face properly, Mrs Pinkman was thankful for that "Only him, his partner and me new about please- I've told you everything." He sounded so defeated.

Todd looked down at him for a moment, before crouching down to Jesse's level and resting his hand on the other man's shoulder in a friendly way that sent a shiver down Mrs Pinkman's spine. Wordlessley, the Man in the balaclava took hold of Jesse, supporting him, leading him away, the sound of the shackles ratteling around Jesse's legs echoed in the room. The Video was silent for five minuts, before Todd returned and switched it of.  
Mrs Pinkman let out a strangled gasp "that- that's him. That's Jesse Pinkman".  
Both Mrs Pinkman and her husband were silent when they left the evidence office that day. After watching the video they'd had to stay behind to answer questions.  
"Do you know if your son held any animosity towards Hank Schrader after the assult? Was it enough to seek revenge?"

"Do you know how long your son stayed clean after rehab?"

"Did your son take a trip for a few days in March of this year? Did he ever mention anything about the mexican cartel?"

Mr and Mrs Pinkman didn't know any answers to the questions regarding Jesse's last year of life, sometimes even before that. Mrs Pinkman didn't even know he'd been to rehab, or that Jesse had been brutally assulted by a DEA agent.  
After they finally got out, Adam turned and spoke to her for the first time since they'd arrived at the office "This isn't our fault." He said, with finality. "What happened to him was because of his own choices."

"Was it his own choice to get- to get- tortured?" Mrs Pinkman asked aloud wiping her eyes. "He's our son we- "  
"No. He's not, not anymore." Adam said, shaking his head. "Do you remember what I said to him when when we first kicked him out of the house. When we found out he'd been smoking weed!?- selling Weed"  
How could she forget? Mr and Mrs Pinkman knew their son was up to something, he'd been away from home constantly, his grades had been slipping, and he suddenly had the money to buy a stereo and new clothes, despite the two of them both refusing to give Jesse any money anymore. That's how they realized he was selling weed. Fifteen years old and already a drug dealer.

_ Jesse had apologized constantly of course, 'Mom, Dad, it wont happen again- I'll stop alright, I'm sorry, I made a mistake'. But Adam just silenced him with a harsh. 'shut up'._  
_"Nobody in this family is a criminal." He said, opening the front door and handing Jesse a single doller. "Get out."_  
_Jesse had looked at him shocked, holding the doller loosely in his hand. He was completely bewildered. "what am I suppose to- "_  
_Adam just pushed him out a look of utter disappointment on his face. He slammed the door shut. Adam was rarely a man to show emotion but at the time he was seething "He's no son of mine." he said simply before storming upstairs. Jesse never lived in the house again._

Mrs Pinkman understood now- Adam didn't care about Jesse because he didn't view him as his son anymore, and he hadn't for a long time.  
After that, things just fell back into place. Mr and Mrs Pinkman lead a normal suburban life, it was almost scary how easy it was just to fall into the old routine of book clubs and gardening.  
Jake kept getting more and more distant, and Mrs Pinkman didn't know why- he had everything, he was a smart talented young boy who got the best education and had his whole life ahead of him. So why, she wondered as she kneeled on his bedroom floor, did he have a joint hidden under his bed?  
when she confronted him, the answer she got shocked her.  
"Because it's the only way I can relax." He had said, simply, not even seeming worried about his mother's discovery. If Jesse could be faulted for being too emotional, then Jake's problem was that he couldn't express emotion enough. Mrs Pinkman closed the door, gazed at her youngest son, panic brewing inside her already. She didn't want another Jesse.  
"Relax- relax from what, hunny, what's the problem?" She asked, pulling him into a hug, he pulled away, resenting the way she tightened the umbilical cord.  
"Everything." Jake said, sounding far too tired and world weary for a boy of fourteen. "The pressure of being perfect, the guilt, everything."

"Pressure?" Mrs Pinkman said, aghast- did they really pressure him that much, she thought of it more as motivation. She didn't know why Jake had drifted away, she always tried so hard to take an interest. "- What guilt, you have nothing to be guilty about?"  
"

Yes I do.." Jake said, his voice hardly a whisper. "- It's all my fault.."  
"Whats your fault, sweety?" Mrs Pinkman asked, the joint felt heavy in her hand.

"Jesse." Jake replied, almost silently. "-Remember the last time he came here, and he was going to make a fresh start? But you kicked him out because you found that joint. That was my joint, Mom."

Mrs Pinkman felt like she'd been kicked in the stomach, unsure of what to do, she pulled Jake into a hug. Her youngest son just cried. Neither of them said anything for a while.

"It's not your fault." Mrs Pinkman said finally "Non of this is your fault."

* * *

Three years later, and Mrs Pinkman was doing the washing up, Adam was at work, and Jake was god knows where doing God knows what. She was thinking about what she should make for the church bake sale when suddenly she got a call, hastily, she hurried over to the phone and picked it up.  
"Pinkman residence." She said, primly. The person down the phone didn't answer, and there was a long uncomfortable silence, she was just about to hang up, when the person spoke.

"Hey, Mom." The voice was quiet, low and husky. It was Jesse. Mrs Pinkman almost dropped the phone in absolute shock- he was alive, she never imagined he'd be alive, nobody did.

"Jesse?" She managed to squawk, she had so many questions for him but her mind just drew a blank now.

"Yeah. It's me. Maybe I shouldn't of called, I just wanted to say I'm sorry- sorry for everything." He said.  
"W-where are you, were have you been!?" She asked, too shocked to really register what he was saying.

"I can't tell you that- sorry mom." Jesse said, it was so surreal hearing his voice, she never thought she would again. "How are you- how are Dad and Jake are they okay?"

"They're fine," Mrs Pinkman said, not mentioning Jake's developing durg habit, and how she suspected he was using his intellect for criminal activities.

Jesse chuckled "Jake must be seventeen now- let me guess he's doing awesome? top of his class, all sorts of university offers. He always was such a smart kid!"  
"yes.. I- " Mrs Pinkman paused "Jesse I thought you were dead I know- I saw the tape- you were held prisoner, they thought you were killed Jesse they were certain of it, they found your blood on the walls of that. Cell, and those chains- "

Jesse sighed, all mirth from before vanishing from his voice "I'm sorry you had to see that. I got lucky, I managed to escape, is all, I don't know if I deserved the second chance but I took it."

"What have you been doing all this time, at least tell me that." Mrs Pinkman said,

"I've been traveling. All over. trying to do something- worthwhile. Trying to make my second chance worthwhile." Jesse said "I did some bad things, Mom, but I want to be good now, even if it's to late for like- redeamshion."

"Redemption." Mrs Pinkman corrected, unable to help the smile that played on her lips- such a nostalgic feeling. "When will you come back?"  
"I can't." Jesse said, his voice sounding sad suddenly "I can't ever come back. I probably wont be able to call again, either."  
Mrs Pinkman knew all that deep down, but it didn't stop the tears sprining to her eyes when she heard it. "I'm sorry." She said, choked up.

"What for? Mom, you were a great parent I just fucking- threw it all back in your face." Jesse said.

"No, No, what kind of mother sends her fifteen year old son to go live with his mentally unstable aunt when he's only fifteen?" Mrs Pinkman said, her voice edging on desperation. "-Jake told me about the joint. The one you took the blame for that wasn't yours we- "

"I screwed up every chance I had, I was a loser." Jesse said, no resentment in his voice. "Forget about me, just focus on Jake I- I'm sorry"  
I'm sorry. He kept saying that.

"Are you happy?" Mrs Pinkman asked finally,

"Yes." Jesse said, his voice honest "For the first time in years, I'm really, really happy. That's why I wanted to call you to say- your a grandmother."  
Mrs Pinkman gasped, and held her hand to her mouth, tears still streaming down her face- Jesse sounded like he was crying too. Adam always used to shout at him about that. "c- congratulations."

"Thanks, Mom- this means. A lot." Jesse said "I have to go.. On a payphone."

"Goodbye.. I love you." Mrs Pinkman said, but he'd already hung up. She let the tears cascade down her face, tears of sorrow, tears of regret, but most of all tears of relief. Because at least Jesse had found peace- she felt like a weight had been lifted of her shoulders. She wished she'd get to see her first grandchild, she visualized a newborn, would it be a boy or a girl? She hoped Jesse didn't name it anything over the top, like some street nickname. And she hoped the child inherited Jesse's bright blue eyes. She hoped.

Mrs Pinkman never told anyone about the phone call, not the police, not Mr Pinkman when he came home and found her crying at the kitchen table, and certainly not Jake. It was her own private moment between her and her first born child. After that she no longer felt regret when thinking about Jesse, at least not as much as before, but rather hope.

* * *

**(a/n: thanks for reading it'skind of disjointed because I wrote it over a few weeks, hehe. It's probably a little repatative too ;_;.. Please comment and tell me what you thought, comments are much appreicated :D**


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